If you’ve followed my blog, I’m pretty sure I’ve posted about how disenchanted I am with the ICF (International Coach Federation) and the accreditation process. In short, it is archaic, nonsensical, exclusionary, narrow minded, insulting, borderline extortionist, counterproductive, and inching toward evil. (At the risk of being dramatic…) Everything about the accreditation process got in my head and made me doubt what I was doing and how. The more I focused on being the coach ICF wanted, the worse a coach I was. I just got a letter of recommendation from a the Mom of a client I recently “graduated.” Well, really I worked with the whole family. They came all the way down from NH to meet me in person a few times and then we transitioned to skype meetings. I’m posting a copy of the letter for two reasons. First, it makes me feel good to be able to show the world what I can do. But more importantly, the lesson I learned was to stick to my guns. When you know deep down you’re right and that you’re doing good work, don’t let the man tell you how to be.

As a mother of an adolescent with ADHD, there have been many times in which I have thought “if only” whatever….If only I had realized earlier that something was not quite right with my son’s lack of focus. If only he were diagnosed earlier. If only I had pushed harder when we did realize that there was more to it than his just being “a boy”.

The only thing that I feel that we have done right thus far has been to find Matt as an ADHD coach. Previous providers have worked with us, but they did not suit our needs. All too often middle aged women have tried to help, and this is what I am. We needed someone to connect with our son and Matt’s style fit perfectly. His youth and interest in sports made a fantastic impression!

One of Matt’s strengths was that he was able to identify with what our son was going through and that he was willing to share his own experiences. This was paramount in building credibility. Another quality that I appreciated was that while he was well versed in the subject matter, he did not use big words that were confusing. He used analogies that we could all understand. He spoke to our son as you would a teen and did not let him get away with anything. If he thought that our son was not taking responsibility he did or did not do, he called him on it.

Patience is a quality that Matt was able to maintain even under the most stressful circumstances. I admired his ability to deal with our family at the end of a long day. He was able to make each interaction productive, even when we were having a particularly bad day. He was able to work with us as a family and as individuals.

Our goal in finding a coach for our son was to help him find the skills to succeed not only in school but in life. Having been taught how to organize himself, he has been able to get things done in less time, learn more, and in the end, develop a sense of self confidence he has not had previously. I would think that our school systems could use someone like him to prepare the students for the transition to middle school.

Our experience has lessened the stress in the household and this is something for which I will be forever grateful. I am hoping that as our son matures, he will be able to apply what he has learned from Matt and be able to face the challenges that await him. If he stumbles along the way, I am confident that we will reconnect with Matt for a “refresher”. He has been a lifesaver.

One of my biggest pet peeves about anything in life is the ADHD “debate.” The whole idea that there is a debate infuriates me to the core of my being. I’ve never written a post on this because I get so riled up that I often can’t put my feeling in to words. The “debate” really boils down to science vs. not-science. And, on a larger level, I find the portion of our society that is turning its back on science disturbing. Whether it is ADHD, global warming, evolution I struggle to understand why so many people refuse to believe what can be proven by science.

Well, there I go getting fired up. Here is a link to a great article that clearly, rationally, and very intelligently says what I would like to have the patience to say myself.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elaine-taylorklaus/adhd-debate_b_4571097.html

(Sorry that’s not a link and you’ll have to cut and paste… tech issues.)

Also, take a look at the comments. Some of our leading ADHD minds have very intelligent things to say. But of course there is the predictable ignorance sprinkled in. I have to ask myself what is in it for these people to so staunchly be against helping people who are in pain and can clearly be helped.

Maybe more on this later… if I can calm down…

To switch gears and address weed specifically, I’ve had many clients who use it as a crutch for insomnia, anxiety, and appetite (while on meds.) Here’s the problem: It is an inefficient and potentially harmful bandaid for those issues, and it often makes them worse in the long run, while diminishing overall functioning in the short run.

Using weed to relax doesn’t take in to account the negative emotional effects of not smoking first thing the next morning. (And, if you wake & bake, you’re in even more trouble.) Plus weed is a depressant. It acts much like alcohol in this respect. It makes you feel good in the short term, but leaves you with some serious neurochemical baggage later.

Using it as a sleep aid usually screws up you sleep pattern even more and lessens your functioning for the following day. I have also heard of a recent study that demonstrates that chronic chronic smokers show a 10 point lessening of IQ by decade. I figure that those of us with ADHD need all the functioning we can get.

The strange thing is that there are plenty of safe, effective, approved pharmaseutical remedies for these symptoms. Ativan doesn’t make you stupider, but can help you relax. Ambien shouldn’t mess up your whole sleep schedule if taken properly. And appropriate management of you ADHD can help both problems!

When confronted with the facts, I’ve had some people say, “well weed is natural. I guess I can’t argue with that. But, snake venom is natural too. I wouldn’t put that in my body. I’ll stick with the Ativan.

I didn’t drink at all until I was about 20. I managed to get through 3 semesters at UMass Amherst having a total of about 4 drinks. I knew I had addiction in the family. Plus, I take an amount of stimulants every day that would kill a donkey. I spent most of my life trying to get myself under control.

Then I started cooking full time…

I will be the first to admit that I drank too much in my early/mid twenties. To be honest, I had so much going on then, I’m not totally sure how it affected me. I know my body could handle a lot then, but I never considered how it affected my brain.

Here’s what I’ve noticed in my mid-thirties. I fell like $#!* the day after I have about 3 drinks now. I don’t drink much anymore anyway. But, I will enjoy some drinks at a party or poker night or when we go out to dinner. I seem to be fine with one or two. But, if I have much more than that, I’ve noticed that the following day my attention and mood are less than stellar.

The reason I bring this up is that alcohol and weed, (though I have zero personal experience with weed,) are often false prophets. They can do one thing for us in the short term, but can wreak havoc in the long term.

Check out the next post for a bit on weed…

I have a four year old. He is awesome, but like any child can be a pain in my … One technique I’ve developed that I use with him came up in a session earlier this week with a client. My client liked it, so I thought I’d share it with all of you.

When my little guy wants something, or doesn’t want something he often has a remarkable ability to articulate what he’s feeling. He also has the ability to spectacularly melt down. I read an article a few years ago about what goes on in a toddler’s brain during a tantrum. It was described as an electrical storm. The take away was that you literally could not reason with a child when in that state. You just have to let them calm down first. Well, my guy isn’t a tantrumer, per se. But, he can get his cry on like any kid. Here’s how I deal with it.

I am the one who sets the limits (along with my wife.) He is the one who is learning, with our help, to stay within the lines. There are some rules that are hard and fast, some are situational, and some decisions are semi-arbitrary just to keep life moving. For example, what the options are for lunch. When the melt down is about one of the many daily things that are not hard and fast rules, I don’t mind being flexible… within reason. But, I also can’t have him knowing that he gets his way by crying or freaking out.

So, when he melts down. I gently and lovingly ask him to pull himself together, ask him if we get what we want by freaking out, and offer to have a conversation with him once he has calmed down. When that happens, I am in a place where I can compromise with him without him having controlled or manipulated me or the situation. I can then ask him why he was so upset and possibly offer an alternative compromise that still works with what I was trying to achieve and gives him some input. Or I can explain to him why what he wants isn’t possible, which he can understand much better post-freakout than mid-freakout. I can also, often, suggest a time in the future when we could do what he wanted that would work better. (I better keep to it though. I think he’s part elephant—he doesn’t forget a thing!) Either way, I praise him for calming down and having a “big boy” conversation about it.

I guess the idea is that everyone wins in this scenario. He might get closer to what he wants. Or at least an explanation. I get to get to be the good guy AND avoid the “freakout, extended club remix version” that could last indefinitely. But most importantly, he learns how to talk about things, solve problems, work cooperatively with Dad, and understand that crying doesn’t get you what you want. I think that it limits the freakouts in the future too. Call it behavior modification…

Give it a try. Let me know what you think.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for quite some time. Parents often ask me what to do when their ADHD kids get their licenses. I don’t think there is a simple answer. When impulsivity, inattention, sometimes hyperactivity, and predictable delays in maturity come together it can be the perfect storm.

I guess my advice starts with don’t be overprotective, but trust your gut. Just because society says the average kid is capable of being behind the wheel without being a menace to society, doesn’t mean your teen is ready. Impress upon them that driving is a privilege. Don’t be afraid to take away that privilege if not properly earned. And I understand that this punishment is also a punishment for you. If they aren’t driving, that means you most likely are. But, that is parenting, isn’t it? Sometimes their punishment sucks just as much for us. (Sorry Mom and Dad. I get it now!)

Practical tips:

1. Cruise control is a wonderful thing for hyperactive types like me. For me, speed, especially on the highway was my nemesis.
2. I would also recommend podcasts, books on tape, and old school radio shows for kids like me. Punk rock gets the blood flowing a little too much for a hyperactive 18 year old boy.
3. DRIVE WHILE MEDICATED!!!
4. For distractible types, I recommend driving stick. It keeps us more engaged in the process and more present in the moment.
5. Navigation is wonderful. I get mine for free on my HTC Droid Incredible.
6. DRIVE WHILE MEDICATED!!!
7. Have hard and fast rules about who is allowed in the car. 8 kids in a minivan is not a recipe for success for most ADHD kids.
8. Have hard and fast rules about phone use in the car — as in, there is none, unless you are using it for navigation. And make sure they are capable of resisting temptation.
9. DRIVE WHILE MEDICATED!!! (Did I mention that?)

The hardest thing is to make a 16 year old truly understand that driving can be life and death without scaring them so much that they are phobic or paralyzed in to being worse drivers. I guess this comes down to your parenting style. Good Luck!