Kind of a dramatic title, huh? Well, this is a follow up to my post from July 20th. Apparently I’ve been marinating on that topic and have more to say. Would it be cliche to admit that I figured some stuff out in therapy this week? Maybe less so if it was family therapy? Well, cliche or not, it’s true. And, I’m actually going to quote our family therapist, who is great, but who will remain anonymous. Because she apparently did some marinating on our session and sent me an email afterward that really put into focus what I had some of what I had been trying to articulate. 

This might come off as a little bit “complainy.” So bear with me. I do think I’ll end up at a point worth making. As I pointed out in my previous post in July, more and more dads are doing the “primary parent” thing. And, I’m talking about the stay at home dad. That’s a very different dynamic. Yes, it presents its own challenges, much the way it did/does for stay at home mom’s. And, now that I’m writing this, I imagine that those dads suffer from a lot of the same issues that I’m about to enumerate. But, it’s still not quite the same. Plus I don’t presume to have the frame of reference to speak for those dads. 

What I’ve come to realize is that I’m doing all the thankless, behind the scenes, bullshit, logistical, day-to-day work of making this family and household run. Traditionally that’s the mom’s role. Traditionally, the parent who works outside of the home and/or works more hours / is the primary breadwinner gets to come home and be Mr. Fun… because it’s usually the dad. But in that traditional dynamic, the “bad guy” who’s at home grinding it out, is still mom. Who do they want when they are sick or when they skin their knee? Mom. I feel like my wife gets to be Mrs. Fun and she gets to play the mom card. You should see how the kids run from the dinner table to hug her when she gets home from work. I’m just the guy who did the food shopping, made dinner, set the table, hassled them to not eat like animals, and… you get the picture.

And then I got a very supportive and interesting email from our family therapist which added yet another layer of understanding on how I felt alone and unsupported. (Though for the record, none of this is a reflection on my relationship with my wife. She is amazing. She works tremendously hard for our family and jumps right into home stuff when she’s here. It's just that her work is demanding and she is not here frequently.) Anyway, this is what our therapist said,

“I wanted to also acknowledge that as we discussed, often the  behind the scenes of parenting (task management, mental load, executive functions of the family/ household management) falls on the mom (and thankfully more and more dads).  However, because of that history, there is more support, comradery, commiseration and collective sense of 'team' between women in that role.  I see constant memes on my social media about the weight of the unsung hero, the mental load of moms and moms cheering each other on, picking each other up and venting to one another.  It struck me after seeing one of these following our session that despite the same draining challenges that same community support doesn't exist for dads (that I am aware of or have seen).  It's more of a suffering in silence situation and I just wanted to acknowledge that.  The sense of community from moms in the trenches together does end up being an unexpected support system.  I wish Dads had that too because it seems to help to not feel crazy or alone in the chaos.”

I have to say I’ve read her email a few times now. And, it feels really good to be acknowledged. Even if I’m suffering in silence, it feels validating to know that I’m heard and understood. Don’t know if I ever thought I’d be saying/writing that.

But you may be asking yourself what does this all have to do with ADHD? This is an ADHD blog right? Well, there are two answers to that. The first is that the role I play in my household very much goes against type. I’ve made a career out of managing my ADHD, mastering executive function, “passing” as a neurotypical in many areas of my life, and teaching the skills I’ve learned to others. But that doesn’t mean that being this version of me isn’t exhausting. It doesn’t mean that I like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, scheduling playdates, taking kids to therapy, chauffeuring kids to activities, going food shopping, mowing the lawn, fixing the light fixture in the kitchen, and on and on and on. Of course, I’m not saying that most people love doing that stuff. Sure, most people don’t love that stuff. But the toll that load takes on those of us with ADHD is disproportionate to our neurotypical peers. 

The other way this is relevant is that this blog is also about raising kids with issues. If you’ve got ADHD there’s an 80% chance you’ve got at least one comorbidity. (If you don’t, check again… or just wait!) And, ADHD is about 85% heritable. I’m not going to do the math. But you are super likely to have a kid with at least one issue that makes your parenting life harder. See how I just made it about you! Neat trick, aye. So managing your “bandwidth” while taking care of a kid or kids with their own unique needs will always be a challenge. I think I’ll leave it at that and line up another post about the idea of getting our own needs met while meeting the needs of our unique kids… as soon as I sort all that out in therapy.

Standard Disclaimer:  In an effort to foil my own perfectionist tendencies, I do not edit my posts much… if at all. Please excuse and typos, mistakes, grammatical errors, or awkward phrasing. I focus on getting my content down. In my humble opinion, an imperfect post posted is infinitely better than a perfect post that goes unfinished.

There is one  important thing about meditation for us ADHDers that I didn’t mention in the last post because I thought it might deserve its own post. I’m not sure how much I’ll need to write on it. But here it is. For those of you who have worked with me you know that pre-pandemic, I was in the process of writing a book about my To Do List system. That project is on hiatus due to the demands of my family life right now. And, I don’t really discuss the To Do List on the blog. That’s the one thing I hold back as “proprietary information” for my clients and people who eventually buy my book.

But whatever your system is for keeping track of your tasks, I suggest that you have that system handy when you meditate. When I was first getting into the practice of meditating, I would find that on my way to clearing my mind (as much as I can) I would often think of things that needed to go on my To Do List. At first I was torn about what to do about that. I didn’t want to break my meditation to log my task, but I couldn’t really relax and get a good zen thing going if I was worried about forgetting the thing I just remembered that I had to do. 

My solution is to always have my To Do List with me while I meditate and when something pops into my head while I’m trying to get my zen on, just transition for a moment, document it, and shift right back to my meditation state. I actually find it less disruptive than I thought I would and then I can really let my thoughts go and get the most out of my meditation. As a matter of fact, clearing my mind is a pretty good time to remember the things I am forgetting. And, once they are accounted for, that’s a pretty good recipe for relaxation and centeredness. Try it! Tibetan Prayer beads optional.

Standard Disclaimer:  In an effort to foil my own perfectionist tendencies, I do not edit my posts much… if at all. Please excuse and typos, mistakes, grammatical errors, or awkward phrasing. I focus on getting my content down. In my humble opinion, an imperfect post posted is infinitely better than a perfect post that goes unfinished.

So, not strictly an #ADHD topic today. But #Depression is pretty ADHD adjacent. Some studies have shown that up to 65% of ADHDers have some form of comorbid depression and/or anxiety. I certainly do. And, if you’ve been reading me for any length of time, you know that I love to share my tips, tricks, and triumphs. As my mentor coach one said, (paraphrasing) one of the things that we are selling is that we are pretty good at life. As haughty as that sounds. I don’t think it is untrue. I have two great role models in my parents. I have had many other great influences in my life, from coaches to teachers to friends. And, I’ve had the wherewithal to do a lot of work on myself along the way that has paid off.  

Having said that, I think I’d be both disingenuous and a pretty big asshole if I did admit my own vulnerabilities. I’m an ADHD coach and a life coach because I happen to think I get “it” right far more often than not. But I very much have struggles. And, I think it is important for those of us who put ourselves up on any kind of pedestal, proclaiming to be an expert, to also proclaim that we are human. We have weaknesses, we make mistakes, and we have struggles. I know that I’ve mentioned this in the context of the daily schedules that I post regularly. I used to only post those that went swimmingly. But I’ve come to realize that people get as much or more out of seeing how I handle a day that doesn’t go according to plan than they do seeing how I plan things perfectly. 

So, I’m making it a point, as I experience the vicissitudes of modern life with two challenging kids, that I show up authentically in this space and let y’all know when there are some struggles. There are two reasons for this. One, as I have already tried to articulate, simply presenting myself as a multidimensional person who doesn’t have all the answers all the time, feels like it has value in and of itself. But, also, I think that I can demonstrate strength even in weakness. We all face adversity. How we handle it generally speaks to how long it lasts, and what we are made of. So, even though I’m not speaking from atop a pedestal today, I think that I have some worthwhile things to offer. So, after a three paragraph intro that I didn’t intend to write… here goes…

Where am I today, August 17th, 2021? Well… I’m not where I want to be. My wife is in a difficult situation at work. She’s understaffed, overworked and very, very stressed. It seems like she’s working 70 hours a week. But maybe that’s just because of how many nights and weekends there are and that she’s generally not home until 6:30 on a good day. Both of my kids are experiencing serious mental health issues. I was going to make an analogy to my home feeling like your average house in Aleppo. But, that’s a real entitled first world jerk thing to say. But the point is that everyone in my house is currently experiencing trauma based on the mental health issues of my youngest. And this has been going on for years, with only minor breaks of semi-stability. That is just background, and not intended as a sob story. 

The bottom line is that all of that, combined with this pandemic that we had/are having means that I’ve been fighting off a major depression for months… well over a year now. Somehow, I thought it would get better over the summer. Not so much. I’m actually struggling more than ever due to my youngest’s struggles trickling up. But, I can’t give up. I am the “primary parent.” I can’t stop cooking dinner, making breakfast, getting the kids showered, signing them up for dance and soccer, doing the laundry, managing the rental property, food shopping, mowing the lawn, etc. Nor can I stop seeing clients, doing consultation, billing, emailing, and running my business. So, now I’m five paragraphs in and I haven’t given y’all any useful information. What a jerk! Let’s get to it. 

So what am I doing to keep my shit barely together in order to be able to take care of my familial and business responsibilities? I think I’ll just do some bullet points. If you’ve read this far, you deserve some bullet points.

1. I’m actively managing my medication with my awesome and responsive doctor. Throughout the course of the pandemic to the peasant moment I have gone from 12.5 to 15 to 17.5 to 20 mg of my antidepressant, Trentellix. I’ve also increased my Ativan to (up to) 2mg 3x daily. And I don’t fuck around with my sleep. I automatically take one before bed. 

2. I stopped drinking for a few months and have now brought it back in much more moderation, a tactic I’ve used several times in my life. To be clear, drinking wasn’t a real problem for me. I just didn’t like how much I was using it to manage stress. 

3. I am exercising absolutely as much as my various injuries will allow. I’m back on the spin bike with 42 minutes of interval sprinting 4-6 days a week… watching soccer AND listening to my workout mix. It takes a lot to keep me going these days.

4. I am doing my best to meditate for 5-10 minutes daily with the semi-guided program on the headspace app. I usually go with Andy. Eve sounds too hot and I find that distracting. (If you’re still reading. You deserve some humor!)

5. I thought about stopping my drum lessons. But  I decided to readjust my expectations a bit and rededicated myself to practicing, even if it was not for as long. And, a few weeks in *SURPRISE* I’m making progress and getting better. 

6. I’m also letting LOTS OF STUFF GO. My garden needs some love. It’s not getting it. I’m focusing on harvesting every other day and I’m giving away food that I don’t have the time or give-a-shit-ness to freeze, can, or pickle. 

So, really the bottom line is that this is all I’m asking of myself every day. These self care things, seeing my clients, and making sure my kids are clothed, bathed, and fed. And, of course, when my wife is around, we are making the best of the time we have together. I am putting all this stuff on my list everyday so I can check it off. Most days I do and that feels great. Even if the rest of the day is spent reading or not doing much of anything. I am surviving. We are surviving. I/we will get through this by having reasonable expectations and doing what is necessary and taking care of ourselves first and taking on the world at a later date. I realize this got a little stream of consciousness at the end. But I hope I got my point across. Take care of yourself. Take things off your plate if you can. And, feel good about what you do get done. 

Standard Disclaimer:  In an effort to foil my own perfectionist tendencies, I do not edit my posts much… if at all. Please excuse and typos, mistakes, grammatical errors, or awkward phrasing. I focus on getting my content down. In my humble opinion, an imperfect post posted is infinitely better than a perfect post that goes unfinished.