I recognize that I and my practice is a small sample size. However, there is a body of research backing up what I’m about to write. So bear with me. I just don’t happen to have all the citations I should probably have. 

Picking your partner is probably the single most important decision that contributes to your happiness in life. Pick the right career(s) is a close second. Somewhere in there is making sure you are sleeping enough and well enough. Because between those three things, work, sleep, spouse, you’re looking at about 95% of your life. If any of them are out of whack… good luck. 

I really want to emphasize that there are really strong trends with us ADHDers but that we are still all our own unique snowflakes. Even “the vast majority” does not mean “all.” But here are some things to think about when considering a career and/or a career change. 

I’ll start by breaking down my current clients by profession. This is just a moment in time. A snapshot. And, it is inherently biased, influenced by me and my style. But…

• 3 Doctors, Pedi ER, Family Doc, Dev. Pedi

• 3 Computer Programmers / Tech People

• 2 Nurses

• 2 Therapist/Social Workers

• 2 Artist

• 1 Teacher, Elementary PE

• 1 Artist/Teacher/Entrepreneur 

• 1 UPS driver

• 4 College Students (Med school, PreVet, Entertainment/Media, Anthro)

• 1 High School Student

I would say that this is actually pretty representative of my practice over the ten years I’ve been coaching. Except I usually have more teachers. 

Here’s what you see. Start with the most obvious, the UPS driver, but go deeper. Of the 15 adult clients, there are 5 people who move for a living. There are 9 people who are in helping professions. 2 more who are training to be. 3 Artists. And, if you put the doctors, the programmers and the therapist together, that’s 8 people who are essentially professional problem solvers. These things are all themes in the ADHD community. Again, that’s not to say that everyone will fit those categories. In fact some of the folks check those boxes in very different ways. Most of them are happy with what they do. A few of them aren’t. 

I think the bottom line if figuring out what feeds your soul and stimulates you and then figuring out a way to monetize that. Sometime it’s easier than others. But I never thought I’d be doing what I’m doing. And I find it tremendously fulfilling and it pays the bills. Who knew?

Standard Disclaimer:  In an effort to foil my own perfectionist tendencies, I do not edit my posts much… if at all. Please excuse and typ0s, Miss Steaks, grammatical errors, awkward phrasing. I focus on getting my content out. In my humble opinion, an imperfect post posted is infinitely better than a perfect post conceptualized but unfinished.

I will preface this by saying that I know that this is easier said than done. But I think the secret to life is not giving a shit what the world thinks about you. Of course, I believe myself to be a moral, ethical, good person. And, there are definitely people out there who need the restraints of what people think to keep them in line. But in our ADHD tribe, at least amongst the folks with whom I deal, there is a profound lack of confidence, a sense that everyone is judging us. And, I am not worried about us running amok when freed from this anxiety. We should not fear the proverbial scarlet letter. On the contrary. We should wear our “A” proudly. 

I think I’ll write a longer post about how to really build self esteem in the near future. That’s complicated. It could be a lengthy and meditative piece. But, I’ll be pithy and to the point today. Three things prompted me to write this post. 

1. I saw a woman in a black hoodie at Wegmans last week that had a very simple message on it in white letters: “I’m not for everyone.” I loved it.

2. I was talking with a client yesterday who referred to herself back in med school as “the barefoot girl.” She was remembering a time when she didn’t care what anyone thought. I suggested that she get back in touch with the “barefoot girl” and stop caring again.

3. My favorite palm tree on vacation. See picture. All the other palm trees are reaching for the sky. But one seems to be going for the ocean. And it seems to be doing fine! Personally, I’m much more skeptical of the millions of people doing the exact same thing than I am of the person who has their own plans and ideas. 

Communication is maybe the most important aspect of any marriage or intimate relationship. Some might say honesty. Some might say love. Some might say having aligned values. Some might say sexual intimacy. Some might say compatibility. 

I probably wouldn’t argue with anyone who said any of those things. Making a marriage last is a complicated endeavor. But most of those things can be screwed up by a lack of communication. 

So, maybe I’m right after all. And, this is one of those topics that is both an ADHD topic and a general Life Coach topic. It’s come up in my life recently and it’s come up with several of my clients lately. 

As a side note, I wonder when similar themes come up with multiple clients at the same time if it is just coincidence or if I’m somehow influencing the system. That’s a philosophical meandering that I will probably delete before I post this. 

Anyway, back to communication. We all know that real estate is about location, location, location. And I always say that ADHD is about planning, planning, planning! But, that’s not the easiest thing in the world if you say, have attentional issues, executive dysfunction, and decision making struggles. Or if your spouse does. Or if you both do. 

Living life in modern America is reasonably complex, unless you go all Henry David Thoreau and live in a cabin on a lake by yourself. (Good luck with that.) Running a household in modern America where both parents work and two kids have their own stuff going on is a tremendously complex endeavor. How can you possibly make that work without communicating? 

As I said, this is a human problem. But it is made worse by ADHD. Interestingly I’ve seen ADHDers respond in very different ways. Some of us respond by almost becoming control freaks and managing every little detail. But that still only works if we share our grand vision with our partner. More commonly, your typical ADHDer tries to keep it all in their head — and can’t. Some things fall through the cracks and their partner is constantly worried about what’s in the works and what isn’t and who’s in charge of what. 

I was talking to one couple the other day and they really nailed it when they said. Everything needs an owner. And that’s correct. Whether it’s doing the taxes, making dinner on Tuesday, or picking Kevin up from fencing, someone in the family has to have ownership of everything or it will cause undue stress and kerfuffle on a regular basis. So, how to fix this dystopian family where Kevin has been left to fend for himself in an empty parking lot at the fencing studio, there’s nothing to eat, and you’re getting audited by the IRS? Communication… & Planning!

I strongly recommend structured family meetings… like, as in, they are regular, recurring events on your family calendar… that you actually stick to. That means they need to be scheduled at a reasonable time when both of you are physically available, mentally available, and have the attention and bandwidth to discuss logistics, look at the calendar for the next week to 10 days, and can make decisions and divvy up tasks. (And, for the love of God, someone needs to go pick up Kevin.) Depending on your careers and lifestyles, this may not be able to be the exact same time every week. But that’s okay as long as you mindfully pick a time at the end of one meeting for the next meeting. 

I happen to like the Friday night pizza meeting. The kids get a movie. We go into the office and chat. We used to do that a lot. So couples find it easier to make it work during the work day and schedule a call or a zoom during the day. To start I would recommend twice a week for a half an hour, give or take. Maybe that is good for good. Maybe you transition into communicating more organically throughout the week and only have real meetings as needed.

Bottom line: don’t assume that anyone else knows what’s going on in your head. And don’t assume that you know what’s going on in anyone else’s head. Talk about it. Plan it. Make decisions. Own stuff.

Standard Disclaimer:  In an effort to foil my own perfectionist tendencies, I do not edit my posts much… if at all. Please excuse and typ0s, Miss Steaks, grammatical errors, awkward phrasing. I focus on getting my content out. In my humble opinion, an imperfect post posted is infinitely better than a perfect post conceptualized but unfinished.

Quick thought on accommodations today. I’ve recently gone through the IEP process with my oldest. And I’ve recently done the one year follow up with my youngest. 13 and almost 8 years old respectively. (Yes, I now have a teenager. Yikes!) As a consequence I have thought even more than usual about accommodations. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have dealt with a school system that has been more than willing to grant extended time to ADHD kids for in class assignments like tests and quizzes but looks at you like you have three heads when you ask for extended time for written assignments or homework in general. 

This has always pissed me off. But I have finally come to a place where I can succinctly articulate why it drives me so batty. If a kid has a slower processing speed when presented with an in class task during the day that is likely estimated at 30-50 minutes in length, how long do you think it will take them to complete a long term writing assignment that may be a four, six, or eight our project for their neurotypical counterparts? 

I always try to ask my kids how long they are spending on assignments compared to the average kid. I’m not trying to get them to compare themselves to others. That’s a big no-no. I’m just trying to get a metric for how much harder or longer they are working than their peers. If all their friends say they have 1 ½ hours of homework and they have four hours… that’s a problem. That’s a factor of 2.67 if my math is correct. That’s a big deal. They aren't going to be able to withstand a really busy week or a day when they get homework in all six subjects. 

I wonder why the schools usually don’t get this. Of course, I know some of the reasons. But that’s for another blog post about how broken our educational system is. But know this. There is no real reason why your kids can’t have extended time for outside of class assignments. Fight for it, especially if it means caring for the mental health of your child/student.

Standard Disclaimer:  In an effort to foil my own perfectionist tendencies, I do not edit my posts much… if at all. Please excuse and typ0s, Miss Steaks, grammatical errors, awkward phrasing. I focus on getting my content out. In my humble opinion, an imperfect post posted is infinitely better than a perfect post conceptualized but unfinished.