I have a new theory… I would love it if the earth’s orbit was faster. It would be awesome to have two months of snow and then spring. It would also be great to have only two months of summer. More frequent change would be great.

So, after I came up with this idea, it didn’t take me long to realize this is a pretty ADHD take on life. Constant change would freak me out. But more regular change would be nice.

The reason I bring this up is that I think as ADHD adults we need to be acutely aware of the seasons and how they affect us. I certainly struggle in the winter. Right about now, post holidays, I realize that I’m looking at two more months of freezing my @$$ off, taking 15 minutes to get my 4 year-old out the door, snow days (which I don’t look forward to as an adult,) cleaning off the car, not getting to run around, going (it seems like) days at a time without seeing the sun, and having far fewer options for fun and exercise.

I think all these factors mean that we need to be particularly aware of the decisions we make and our motivations. It is easy to feel stale, stuck, and blah at this time of year. Major life decision should probably be under particular scrutiny. Is it the right time to change jobs? Is the the right time to make relationship decisions? Is it the right time to buy that shiny new car? I don’t know. But, I know that it might be a good idea to hold off just a little while and make sure it’s the right decision.

My suggestion for the winter is to take a look at what you can add in. Perhaps more social engagements. Maybe a new hobby, class or activity. I’m hoping this winter will be better for me. I’m starting a woodworking class next week. I’m playing indoor ultimate for the first time ever. And, we are trying to entertain as much as possible. I’m actually excited enough about all that that I’m not so stressed out about wearing two pairs of long johns to take my son to his learn to skate class.

My wife is away at a conference for four and a half days. She doesn’t travel for work too often, usually about twice a year. I started making these calendars with my son when he was about two. It has now become some what of a routine that he enjoys. But more importantly, it gives him (and me) structure while Mom is away and helps him learn to understand time. I apologize in advance for my crude artwork. Crayons are not my medium.

Here’s what he gets out of the calendar in a little more depth.

• Four days can seem like an eternity to a toddler, preschooler, or most of us with ADHD. The calendar is a visual way to represent time, which is a pretty abstract concept.
• Making the calendar together is an opportunity for us to bond and plan fun things to do while Mommy is away. It is also the first step of allowing him to help me plan. So, I’m modeling good executive functions and teaching them to him.
• He has always enjoyed crossing the days off with me and seeing how many days are left.
• (I also did this with him for the month before we moved in to your new house. I really think it helped him understand the process and somewhat eased the transition.)
• For the first time he has really taken ownership this trip and crossed the previous day off by himself before even coming to get me in the morning. He has even taken to crossing out the pictures of things that got changed, moved, or taken out of our schedule.
• FYI: for whatever reason my post won’t stop bullet-pointing… so get used to it!
• We don’t do the calendar every weekend, but I do make a point to give him the structure that he needs by telling him what our daily plan is, what things there are to look forward to each weekend, and by keeping much of our Sat & Sun to a routine. More routine, more predictability, and more structure = fewer freak outs.
• I realized maybe a year and a half ago that I give him all this structure unconsciously because I do it for myself. It helps me to have a plan for the weekend. That way we don’t miss out on things we want to do because we run out of time. We don’t end up sitting around trying to figure out what to do. I can find the time to engage in appropriate self care, like working out etc. But, not that I realize I’m doing it, I make even more of an emphasis on how this structure helps my little guy.
• Of course, with any structure, we have to be flexible. We make a lot of changes in the last few days, but having a baseline in the calendar made it easier for both of us to be flexible.

This was pretty stream of consciousness. I’ve got to roll to meet my coach now. I hope it is intelligible and helpful.

Happy New Year!

I watched a great movie yesterday while I was home sick, Phoebe in Wonderland. I’m telling you about it because I think it is relevant to how we as parents of kids who have issues look at the world. I also think this is one you might have missed because I don’t think the publicity about the film really did justice to what it was all about.

I thought it was going to be a light hearted film about a child who doesn’t quite fit in. It was actually a much deeper exploration of a child who was really struggling with a real diagnosis. (A real diagnosis that I won’t spoil, though it is not a huge surprise in the end.) In large part the movie was also about her mother’s journey though accepting this. I’ll let you watch the movie and see how it turns out.

I will say that even though this girl’s issue wasn’t ADHD, it reminded me very much of how some parents struggle to handle a child who has a something that has a real name. There’s not just “spirited, energetic, march to the beat of their own drum, day dreamy, adorably absent minded, imaginative, etc.” They may be some of these things, but if they have ADHD too, it needs to be addressed in order for them to be the best whateverthey are that they can be.

I guess my take away here is that as parents we can’t get caught up in our own conceptions of what we want our children to be or how that may reflect on us a parents. We have to recognize who they really are and love them for that, warts and all. And, we simply have to take advantage of everything we can to help our children, which by definition means admitting that they need help. And, that usually means admitting that we need help helping them too. Ultimately, seeking out and accepting they help they need is what says the most about us as parents and as people.

As ADHD’rs we have the bad habit of getting away from things that are helpful. (Perhaps another post on why this is at some point in the future.) I recently re-started a practice that I’ve used in the past and wanted to share how helpful it has been for me, even though I consider myself pretty squared away at this point in my life.

I have been struggling with organizing my days lately. This is a struggle which plagued me earlier in life, but hasn’t been much of a problem lately… or so I though. Recently, I have had a long list of things to get done, but none of them have been accompanied by too much urgency or a definitive deadline. As a result, with the exception of my client sessions, I had lapsed in to a pattern of largely unproductive days. Needless to say, that was not helpful to my business and wasn’t great for morale.

Last weekend was super relaxing with the house to myself. I was free to catch up on some shows, watch movies, work out, and eat take out – aka food that I didn’t have to cook myself. But when Sunday night rolled around and I was having trouble sleeping, I realized that I needed to give myself some structure for Monday morning in order to get myself back in the flow of working and being productive. My solution was something that I hadn’t done in a while but had always worked in the past. I made a very detailed schedule for the following day.

I pulled out my two lists of things to do (personal & professional) and I accounted for my time for the following day down to five minute increments when needed, and included everything. This technique allows me to prioritize, put my tasks in to time, make sure I’ve considered how long things will take, etc. It is the structure that I need and sometimes forget to give to myself.

Of course, I didn’t follow it exactly. I never do. Things always come up. Sometimes things take longer. Items were added and removed or moved around. The best thing about self structure is that it’s flexible! Bottom line is that Monday was one of my most productive days in months. So, it occurred to me… Why don’t I do this more often? I didn’t have a good answer.

So, starting Tuesday night, I began to make my schedule at the end of my work day for the following day. Wednesday was again one of my most productive days in months. Put that together with today and Monday and I’ve had a crazy productive week. I haven’t had to work late. I’ve slept well. I’ve had pretty low stress. And, I have an overall sense that I’m in control and life is moving in the right direction. I just need to stick with it now and not get over confident.

I’m off to make my schedule for tomorrow!

It is no secret that many ADHD’rs struggle with being assertive. I have noticed this especially with my female clients. I think that this is a place where our ADHD interacts with our societal expectations. I’ve often noticed that women politicians seem to be in a no win situation. If they aren’t assertive they are criticized for being “soft” and “emotional.” Yet, if they are aggressive (just like their male counterparts,) they are labeled as “bitches.”

It seems to me that this leaves women in our culture in a bit of a pickle. Add in the idea that many ADHD’rs have trouble articulating and enforcing their boundaries, (as well as sometimes not recognizing others’,) and the result is a woman who can be paralyzed by indecision or trapped in a cycle of personal unhappiness while striving to placate and please others.

I gave one of my clients a homework assignment last week to think about the difference between being assertive and being mean. (Mean was her word, and she was quite worried about being perceived as mean.) She came back to me the following week with a fantastic definition of assertiveness that she found online. I want to share a link to that definition as more food for thought on this topic.

http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/assertiveness/