Having an open mind and an open heart, part IISep 5, 2015I've tried to apply the micro lesson learned on the roads of Boston to the macro of the rest of my life. I have impossibly high standards for myself. I've learned to mellow out on my self criticism over the years to my great benefit. I tend to still be pretty demanding of the world around me and the people in it. I can get frustrated/angry by little things that people do that I can perceive as rude or oblivious. For example, it drives me crazy when other kids are rude, pushy, or territorial at the playground. My kids are on the small size and my oldest is particularly conflict averse. He'll just walk away and be sad rather than stand up for himself. But, in the grand scheme that's a good thing. Anyway, when he was younger, I would get so angry at the parents who let their kids run wild and assumed that they were lazy or bad parents and that the kids were just undisciplined bad kids. Five years later as my youngest is just playground age, I'm in a different place... most of the time. I think much of my progress has to do with my current profession. Rather than assuming "that kid" is just a jerk with bad parents, I'm much more likely to think that he/she must have some issue. Maybe Mom and/or Dad are great parents dealing with a challenging situation and a challenging child. This compassionate approach that is defined by empathy instead of anger was difficult to cultivate, for me at least. But it is a much more adaptive way to to go through life. Even if they are bad parents and the kid is an out of control spawn of satan... it doesn't do me any good to think/assume that. There's nothing I can do about it. That anger is the definition of an unproductive emotion or thought. It makes life much better to just get rid of it. For the record, I'm hardly a saint. I'm more successful at this some times and less successful other times. But overall, life is better when trying to assume the best of people. That I can say with certainty.
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Having an open mind and an open heart, part ISep 4, 2015As part of the curriculum at coaching school we practiced coaching each other while supervised by our instructors. I found it to be the best part of my education there. ADDCA. Mostly I got a lot out of when I was coaching. But I remember one particular time that I got a lot out of being the volunteer client. I was being coached by a classmate who was German. Her name was Cordula. (Sp?) I was having trouble thinking about what to talk about. I didn't want to bring up anything super deep or potentially time consuming. All I could think of was talking about how I get angry when behind the wheel. I am a very good drive. I happen to be gifted when it comes to spacial relationships. And I don't have a lot of patience for those who are not as adept as I am on the roadways of the Greater Boston area. Honestly, I didn't even think there was much to talk about on this topic. But Cordula did a great job pulling out some typical ADHD negative thinking. As it turns out, she helped me realize that I was driving around assuming that everyone was a self-entitled, self-important, asshole. As a result, I was almost looking for other drivers to piss me off and was taking it personally when they did something outrageous. I would let the anger smolder and really upset me. Once Cordula helped me realize this, she proposed other options. Maybe someone in the other car is struggling with ADHD, had a tough day, etc. The bottom line is that assuming something kind hearted about the person who just cut me off does two things. For one, it allows me to have empathy instead of anger. And, it allows me to move on. Even if they are all bad people, it doesn't serve me to think that. The anger doesn't help me. In fact, it hurts me. A valuable lesson in and of itself. But, it has brought me more in subsequent years. To be continued...
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13 minutes to feeling betterAug 13, 2015So, I know that initiation is probably the hardest part of sticking to a work out routine. And, if you are a regular reader, you know that I'm a huge believer in the power of exercise to help us with our attention. So, I do end up writing a bit on the subject. Well, here's another one. I've been trying to keep track of my workouts and how I feel so I can share any tips and tricks I can. One thing that I've noticed is 13 minutes. At 13 minutes I start to feel better. My anxiety lessens, my head clears, my focus ramps up, and I start enjoying the workout if I hadn't been already. So 13 minutes usually leads to 30 or even 40 -50 minutes. So, I ask you this, person who has trouble getting the couch: can you do something for 13 minutes that will make you feel better? I think you can. Worst case scenario: you work out for 13 minutes a day!
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Recommended Educational AdvocateJul 12, 2015At our last CHADD parents support group meeting of the year in June a family had a very strong positive recommendation for an educational advocate down in Attleboro. I have had no personal interaction, but the recommendation from the parent was strong enough that I thought I should post the name. I know how hard it is to find good advocates. Chris Atwood ckatwood52@comcast.net (508) 414-3380
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The power of exercise & maybe a little mindfulnessJun 26, 2015I can't remember if I posted on this already, but it is still on my list of things I want to blog about, so I guess not... I usually take the kids in the morning on Saturday and let my wife sleep. I take the kids food shopping to two or three different stores. It takes up to three hours, depending on everyone's behavior and number of emergency trips to the bathroom. It is boring and tedious for all of us. The funny thing is that it goes better when I work out first. When I get up early enough to get 30 minutes on the spin bike before we go shopping, everything goes better. The kids have better behavior, it usually goes quicker, and I'm not as drained afterwards. This is not a small sample size either. My oldest is 6. This phenomenon has been shown to be true for years. When I'm centered and producing all the neurochemicals I need, when I've gotten exercise, and am able to "reset" by going to my meditative exercise place, my mood and attention are so demonstrably better that it effects those around me. Pretty powerful to know about one's self. I bet I'm not alone.
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Learning leadership & the power of positive thinkingJun 26, 2015One of my first experiences in learning the power of positive energy happened when I was a senior in high school. I played many sports as a kid, but settled on ultimate frisbee by my sophomore/junior year in high school. (Google it if you haven't heard of it. It is a legitimate athletic endeavor.) I was a captain that year of a team that was one of the 3 or 4 best teams on the east coast. In our last tournament of the season at Columbia HS in NJ, we were playing the host team. They were great kids, wonderful hosts, and good players. But they were not our equals. We had a real chance to win this tournament, which we couldn't achieve if we lost to Columbia HS. (For the record, I may not get all the details exactly right. It has been almost 20 years. But I think you'll get the gist of it.) The game was to 15. We were playing horribly. As we feel further behind I got very frustrated at our lack of intensity, simple mistakes, and general poor play. I reacted with anger, outward frustration and negativity. Needless to say, that was not an effective motivational tactic for my teammates. Eventually we were down 10 - 5. It was not looking good. One of my coaches pulled me from the game at sat down with me away from the rest of the team. He calmed me down and pointed out that my attitude was affecting the team negatively and was perpetuating the poor play. I wasn't sure I bought it, but I trusted my coach and was smart enough to know that what I was doing wasn't working. So, I flipped a switch when I went back after Columbia scored again to make it 5 - 11. I was overwhelmingly positive. I focused I what I knew we could do, not on what we had done wrong up to that point. I exchanged my pout for a smile and my frustration for high fives and "good games." As a leader on the team my course correction had immediate effect. It wasn't long before we had won the game 15 - 13. Not a bad run for a simple change in attitude. The point is that we affect our own realities and or own outcomes with our attitudes more that we think. Negative breeds negative. Positive breeds positive.
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