Hierarchy of SuckOct 27, 2015This is the term I use to explain how we priorities what we decide to do when we are not managing our attention particularly well. We will pick activities to avoid other activities, even if the first one is something that we don't want to do. I think of a college kids who avoids his/her laundry for weeks and weeks... until it is time to study for mid terms. Suddenly, laundry seems like a good idea because it is ever so slightly better than studying. That kid then does a whole day of laundry and doesn't get any studying done. What do you avoid? What do you do to avoid the hard stuff?
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Letting some stuff goOct 7, 2015Life is the ultimate Choose Your Own Adventure book. (Remember those?!) We are always making decisions about what path to follow. Sometimes letting go of the path we are on is the right decision. Personally, I have quitting and giving up on anything. I think it is an overcompensation for my inherent lack of follow through. Like the typical ADHD person, I used to have trouble finishing what I started and would often jump from one thing to another when I got bored or something got challenging in certain ways. In an effort to overcome this part of my ADHD personality I went really far in the other direction. I'm pretty militant about following through on what I start. Problem is that sometimes I start stuff that I should give up on and stick it out way to long. This applies to big things and small things. I certainly stayed with my first career as a chef for way to long. I was afraid to change and didn't want to admit that I hated my job and my life because of it. Somehow that felt like a failure, a defeat. What I recognize now, looking back (many years later) was that my almost maniacal desire to keep on the track I had chosen, robbed me of (potentially) years of happiness. Being a Chef was great for me when I was 25 and hyper. It was not great for me at 30 with a family. And that's okay! Things change. Leaving that profession doesn't mean I screwed up, made a bad decision or failed. (And, even if it had been correcting a bad decision, we don't really need to follow through on a bad decision to prove a point, right?) My career is a larger issue, obviously. But, learning to let go some of the little things has been just as hard for me. When my son started kindergarten last year it was the first time he had the option to buy a lunch in the cafeteria. I'm super serious about food and what we put in out bodies. So, I insisted on making Elliot's lunch every day. I was driving myself crazy with it. Eventually, I learned to compromise with myself. I make him a lunch on nacho day because nachos are not a meal. I make him lunch on caesar salad day because he won't eat it. And I make him lunch on waffle day... because it's waffle day! It's not a perfect solution, but it saves me lots of time and energy and he still eats better than 99% of kids his age. Win, win! Too bad it took me six months to let it go.
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IdentityOct 5, 2015Identity is an interesting thing. It is so important to who we are and how perceive ourselves and the world. Yet, it is not always rooted in fact or in the present. I can speak from personal experience when I say how difficult it was for me to transition from being a professional chef to being a professional organizer and coach. It took me quite a while to catch up psychologically to who the new me was. I held on to my chef's pants and didn't use my "nice" knives for a long time. It felt weird saying what I did for quite a while. As I have reflected on this, I've had some revelations that I can relate to many of my clients. When I left being a chef, I was confident, accomplished, and successful. I left those feelings for something new, uncertain, unproved, and scary. There was a gap in my life where I felt somewhat without an identity until my new career/ business was up and running and successful. This was a difficult process to work through. Also, by nature of my first profession's demands, I didn't have a lot else in my life. I had my wife and son, but that's about it. I didn't have many 9 to 5 friends left, no time for hobbies or sports, and a life that was pretty unbalanced. One result was that I didn't have many other anchors to tie my identity other than my profession. I have notices a similar thing happen to many of my younger student clients when they start addressing their ADHD for the first time, particularly with medication. In some instances, their friends notice that they are "different." They usually notice that they feel different as well. Of course, different isn't necessarily a bad thing. But, when different takes away your identity without replacing it quickly, it seems like a bad thing. For example, maybe a young ADHDer is the class clown. He can't control himself and keep still or quite. So his only option is to be funny. That becomes his identity: the funny, though disruptive kid. Well, if the medication works and he can suddenly control himself and he realizes that his disruptiveness is/was inappropriate, what is he left with? He may not be ready to be the smart kid who pays attention and gets good grades. That requires learning skills, personal development, and maturity. Unless this kid has other anchors with good friends, sports, art, music, or something else, it can seem that he has no identity. That can be scary even when it is a move in the right direction. I don't know if there is an answer to all of this. I would just suggest being sensitive to and aware of this potentially difficult transition.
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Re-examining stystemsOct 2, 2015No system is fool proof, lasts forever, or is devoid of the need for maintenance. I'm sure I've referenced my favorite Thomas Jefferson quote on the blog before, "No one axiom can be deemed wise and expedient for all times and circumstances." I bring it up again because it has relevance on this topic. Just because something worked for 5 years, or 20 years doesn't mean that it will work forever. Per usual, here's an example from my life. As I've mentioned before, I had some struggles with anxiety and depression over the winter and through the summer. (I'm doing really well now though, thanks for asking!) I know enough about myself to know that when I'm struggling getting exercise is as important as ever. If I can work out every day I feel a sense of accomplishment, even if everything else is a struggle. And, form a physiological standpoint, working our will help my brain chemistry by producing more of the dopamine and serotonin that I need. I'm normally very disciplined about getting my exercise. That changed as my mood cratered earlier this year. My previous m. o. had been to keep one block free in my client schedule in the middle of the day to take a break and work out. This had been successful for years. But it stopped working. I found that if I got to a certain point in my day I simply couldn't muster the "motivation" to work out. By the end of the day I would feel the lack of exercise and would feel worse. It took me a little while, but I realized that my system wasn't working anymore. One of the variables of my life had changed and I needed to adapt. I realized that I felt the best right after getting out of the shower in the morning. I was awake, moderately focused, and my muscles felt relaxed. Of course, I didn't really want to work out then either, but I was able to force myself. It usually sucked to start, but really made me feel good after I got in to it. It got me off to a better start and helped my overall well being. I don't point all of this out to toot my own horn. There are plenty of examples of my not adapting quickly enough over the years. But I'm proud that I figured this one out so quickly. Hopefully, it can be a helpful template for others.
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The End Result vs. The ProcessSep 30, 2015It has been my experience that as ADHDers we can see the potential in so many situation and in so many items. We don't see a toilet paper roll. We see an art project. This is at once one of our greatest strengths and one of our most present challenges. What I have found is that we often ignore the process that will get to our desired end result in favor of focusing on the pleasing idea of the result. We will often get lost in all the wonderful possibilities and not actually follow through on many or any of them. I find it helpful to help my clients refocus on the process. Because if we are not interested in engaging in the process, we will never achieve the end result. Here are two examples from my life. I have always been an athlete. Sports have been my "happy place" since I was 3 years old. And, one of the reasons that I'm very good is that I love the practice as much as the games. I love doing drills, honing my skills, and doing the things that it takes to be better. On the other hand, I've always wanted to play an instrument. For a long time it was guitar. I bought myself a guitar with my graduation money from culinary school. I took some lessons... and flamed out. I just didn't enjoy practicing. I want to play guitar, but not enough to actually practice. This really illustrates my point, but also the idea that if we are not interested, our brains don't set us up for success at pushing though the boring part. There has to be an intrinsic desire for the process or the end result has to be so powerful that it pushes us to get through the tough process. The point is that we need to be careful about what we chose to work for. If we select a goal that will be torturous to achieve, we are likely to not engage in the process, feel like failures, and have predominantly negative fall out. But, if we acknowledge that we aren't interested in the process, it is not a failure. In fact, it is a positive step in terms of self awareness to recognize where it is most useful to allocate our resources of time, energy, and attention. I'm still a competitive athlete. I'm still NOT a guitar player. The only difference is that I know I'm not a guitar player so I don't beat myself up for not following through.
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2 upcoming events from Joe MoldoverSep 16, 2015I recently received this email from a colleague, Joe Moldover. Joe is a great resource. If either of these topics piques your interest, I would consider attending. First, on Wednesday October 7 from 7:15 to 8:45 I will be speaking on the topic of Nonverbal Learning Disability, Asperger's Syndrome, and High Functioning Autism: Why the Confusion? This will be hosted at the Academy Metrowest in Natick. It is free of charge. RSVP to the Academy at 508 655 9200 or info@academymetrowest.com. Then, on Tuesday October 27 from 7-9 PM I am excited to be joined by Attorney Dan Heffernan and Dr. Scott McLeod for a free online webinar: Educating the Whole Child: Advocating and Caring for Students with Social/Emotional Disabilities. We had two very successful webinars last year; if you missed them they are posted online at www.drmoldover.com. One of the nice aspects of these events is that they are held live, and you will be able to submit questions and comments for Dan, Scott and I from the comfort of your home!
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